This past week was all about survival for us. No gym, no new food Friday, no work, no birthday party... nothing. Just icky, sicky grossness. The Honeycutt's had the flu and plus some. There is nothing in the world so horrible for a mom then to see her babies hurting and not be able to take that hurt away. It only doubles the pain when mommy is hurting as well. I am happy to report that we have all survived. And other than my sore throat and scratchy voice and Hudson's continuing Amoxicillin regimen we seem to be on the mend.
I really have nothing to write about. It feels as though we were sheltered from the world for the past seven days. I am just checking in. I wish I has something inspiring or interesting to report. I don't. Boo on me. In fact the most interesting thing I made food-wise this week was called Blueberry Grunt. Even my food sounded depressing. A friend said it sounded like I was eating smurfs. Ha. Blue, bubbly and delish, not a bad breakfast.
I was feeding Hudson yesterday morning and I was watching the painting guy with really curly hair on PBS (I will snail mail a dollar to the first person who can FB me his name, I can't remember). Anyhow, he was talking about how today is a good day. Then he said, "Yep, everyday is a good day. Don't believe me? Well then try missing a couple." He is so true. There is nothing like a few days of feeling ick to make you appreciate how great you feel when you don't have a stuffed nose, sore throat or killer headache.
Tomorrow is Monday and I am ready to get back into the swing of things. It will be a good day. I wish the same for you.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Pass (on) the Cheesecake
We made a random, spontaneous trip to Taos this weekend. Invited ourselves to my girlfriend's parents house in New Mexico. And made the last minute trip to try and hit some mountain powder. It was the kind of weekend that any new parents long for, the kind of weekend that is too few and far between. It was a house full of good friends, happy kids and fantastic snow right out the backyard.
I am quickly leaning that vegan eating requires an almost ridiculous amount of planning. Random, spontaneous trips already difficult with little ones, are that much more challenging with specific dietary demands. (Think going on a cruise while on a diet.) Filling my kitchen with vegan friendly food is not so bad, since I have complete control over what I put on the menu for the week. Going out into the real, non-vegan world is a different story.
All the books I have read recommend that if you are traveling you must plan ahead. Planning to include: finding vegan restaurants, informing your host of your diet needs, and pack, pack, pack the food you intend to consume. I did not do any of this. Spur of the moment meant I barely had time to put together snacks for Hayden. I did grab a few Odwalla Bars and some apples but not enough for a weekend.
You can rest assured that I ate well the entire weekend. This blog is not about that. What it is about is all the good food I "missed" out on. Being a vegetarian I am used to passing on the chicken, steak and meatballs. Other than the social implications, it is really no big deal. However, in the past I always had the side dishes to rely on. When people ask what I eat Cutter tells them I just eat "sides." Funny, but true.
I have quickly come to realize that most "sides" contain dairy of some sort. Whether it is butter on beans or parm cheese on a salad. You already feel uncomfortable that you are making your host feel uncomfortable that you are not going to eat their food, so asking for no butter on your beans takes you to a whole other level of uncomfortable-ness. (that may have been confusing... just read it again.) A vegan sitting at a non-vegan table can be a most lonely experience. Thankfully, my friends' family was most accommodating and understanding of my year long vegan quest.
However, it is unfair to expect a host to go out of their way to feed me, a surprise guest. This is why planning is SO important. It is not a hosts responsibility to cater to my specific needs. A gracious guest admires the food that others are enjoying and politely heats up the veggie patty that they brought. And when a host happens to have a vegan friendly dish... EAT UP, while making sure the host knows exactly how grateful you are! (Let me tell you... you are VERY grateful.) The moral of this story is, I must bring a cooler full of foods I plan to eat. If this is not possible then immediately I must give my host some relief by stating my intentions to hit the grocery store to get "the crazy food that I can eat." Remembering to ask permission first to use their kitchen for storage and cooking.
I am not done talking about this trip. It was an eye opening experience for me. I passed on dessert. I am NOT a dessert passer by any stretch of the imagination. I am a dessert seconds-er type person. I will shamelessly eat a second piece of pie, cake or scoop of ice cream. Shamelessly. "Life is short, eat cookies." This weekend I passed on Rocky Mountain Factory chocolates, homemade sugar cookies (decorated by adorable little kids), and here is the kicker, I passed on CHEESECAKE!
Thinking about all of the calories I saved is helpful, but there is definitely what I would call the reverse of 'Dessert Regret." The reverse of Dessert Regret is when you say no to dessert and then find yourself laying in bed that night dreaming about the delicious dessert you passed up at dinner. As if my life will never be the same because I did not eat cheesecake. It is a full three days later and I am still thinking about the cheesecake. This probably signifies a distinct psychological diagnosis, but it is the truth. Like I said, shameless.
I was a little proud that I had the self-control to say no to something that I really wanted. But then I had to check myself. In the moment I felt that I really wanted cheesecake. History of my life told me that cheesecake tastes delicious and makes me feel better. Truth though, cheesecake is not a necessity for me and although it may make me feel happy for a moment (what delicious, sugary, creamy treat doesn't?), my true happiness is not caught up in what I eat or do not eat. It wasn't really self-control that kept me from eating cheesecake it was my beliefs and convictions. What I should feel proud of is that I made a decision based on what I believe to be true.
This is a bit refreshing for me. I often make decisions based on what feels good or feels right or feels the most okay. It is difficult for me to just feel a feeling and objectively observe it. Which is strange because being a counselor is all about helping others watch and observe their feelings. I would be lying if I said that in the cheesecake moment I was actively observing my feelings about not eating cheesecake, because I wasn't. What I was really doing was telling myself how embarrassed I would be to admit on my blog that I caved and ate cheesecake before I even hit the one month mark of my journey. However, afterwards I did spend time talking with Cutter and thinking about what it really meant for me to say "no" and what feelings went into the process. Dessert is not just dessert anymore.
I learned something. To fully understand what I learned you would need to know more of my history with food, but to make things simple I will say that I learned this: I can pass on food without self-deprivation or punishment as motivation. I learned and when you learn you grow. So to celebrate, I made vegan double chocolate cookies. Delish.
I am quickly leaning that vegan eating requires an almost ridiculous amount of planning. Random, spontaneous trips already difficult with little ones, are that much more challenging with specific dietary demands. (Think going on a cruise while on a diet.) Filling my kitchen with vegan friendly food is not so bad, since I have complete control over what I put on the menu for the week. Going out into the real, non-vegan world is a different story.
All the books I have read recommend that if you are traveling you must plan ahead. Planning to include: finding vegan restaurants, informing your host of your diet needs, and pack, pack, pack the food you intend to consume. I did not do any of this. Spur of the moment meant I barely had time to put together snacks for Hayden. I did grab a few Odwalla Bars and some apples but not enough for a weekend.
You can rest assured that I ate well the entire weekend. This blog is not about that. What it is about is all the good food I "missed" out on. Being a vegetarian I am used to passing on the chicken, steak and meatballs. Other than the social implications, it is really no big deal. However, in the past I always had the side dishes to rely on. When people ask what I eat Cutter tells them I just eat "sides." Funny, but true.
I have quickly come to realize that most "sides" contain dairy of some sort. Whether it is butter on beans or parm cheese on a salad. You already feel uncomfortable that you are making your host feel uncomfortable that you are not going to eat their food, so asking for no butter on your beans takes you to a whole other level of uncomfortable-ness. (that may have been confusing... just read it again.) A vegan sitting at a non-vegan table can be a most lonely experience. Thankfully, my friends' family was most accommodating and understanding of my year long vegan quest.
However, it is unfair to expect a host to go out of their way to feed me, a surprise guest. This is why planning is SO important. It is not a hosts responsibility to cater to my specific needs. A gracious guest admires the food that others are enjoying and politely heats up the veggie patty that they brought. And when a host happens to have a vegan friendly dish... EAT UP, while making sure the host knows exactly how grateful you are! (Let me tell you... you are VERY grateful.) The moral of this story is, I must bring a cooler full of foods I plan to eat. If this is not possible then immediately I must give my host some relief by stating my intentions to hit the grocery store to get "the crazy food that I can eat." Remembering to ask permission first to use their kitchen for storage and cooking.
I am not done talking about this trip. It was an eye opening experience for me. I passed on dessert. I am NOT a dessert passer by any stretch of the imagination. I am a dessert seconds-er type person. I will shamelessly eat a second piece of pie, cake or scoop of ice cream. Shamelessly. "Life is short, eat cookies." This weekend I passed on Rocky Mountain Factory chocolates, homemade sugar cookies (decorated by adorable little kids), and here is the kicker, I passed on CHEESECAKE!
Thinking about all of the calories I saved is helpful, but there is definitely what I would call the reverse of 'Dessert Regret." The reverse of Dessert Regret is when you say no to dessert and then find yourself laying in bed that night dreaming about the delicious dessert you passed up at dinner. As if my life will never be the same because I did not eat cheesecake. It is a full three days later and I am still thinking about the cheesecake. This probably signifies a distinct psychological diagnosis, but it is the truth. Like I said, shameless.
I was a little proud that I had the self-control to say no to something that I really wanted. But then I had to check myself. In the moment I felt that I really wanted cheesecake. History of my life told me that cheesecake tastes delicious and makes me feel better. Truth though, cheesecake is not a necessity for me and although it may make me feel happy for a moment (what delicious, sugary, creamy treat doesn't?), my true happiness is not caught up in what I eat or do not eat. It wasn't really self-control that kept me from eating cheesecake it was my beliefs and convictions. What I should feel proud of is that I made a decision based on what I believe to be true.
This is a bit refreshing for me. I often make decisions based on what feels good or feels right or feels the most okay. It is difficult for me to just feel a feeling and objectively observe it. Which is strange because being a counselor is all about helping others watch and observe their feelings. I would be lying if I said that in the cheesecake moment I was actively observing my feelings about not eating cheesecake, because I wasn't. What I was really doing was telling myself how embarrassed I would be to admit on my blog that I caved and ate cheesecake before I even hit the one month mark of my journey. However, afterwards I did spend time talking with Cutter and thinking about what it really meant for me to say "no" and what feelings went into the process. Dessert is not just dessert anymore.
I learned something. To fully understand what I learned you would need to know more of my history with food, but to make things simple I will say that I learned this: I can pass on food without self-deprivation or punishment as motivation. I learned and when you learn you grow. So to celebrate, I made vegan double chocolate cookies. Delish.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Playing Catch-up
New Food Friday was four full days ago. I wouldn't even bother writing about it, since the event is sort of old news, but I can't pass up a chance to rave about the goods. But I will keep this brief.
Cutter has taken to calling New Food Friday, Freaky Friday. I like my title better. This past Friday was Cutter's choice and he picked Chickpea Patties. For Hayden's sake we are calling them Hummus Burgers (little man LOVES hummus!). Simple, delicious and oh so quick to make. I cannot believe that I have gone this far in life and not had a Hummus Burger yet. Makes me feel a little disgusted at all the money I have spent on processed veggie burgers throughout the years when I could have been having this culinary delight... homemade for one third the price!
It sounds like I am exaggerating. I am not. The recipe is essentially hummus, but after food processing, oatmeal is kneaded in and then the mixture is chilled, formed into patties and fried in a bit of EVOO. (If Rachel Ray would just give up meat, I would be set. I heart her work and passion for quick and easy food.) The texture of the patty is much like meat loaf, but the taste is distinctly veg. The frying in the oil gives the outside a crunch, which is difficult to achieve with a Boca Burger, short of burning it.
Cutter and I both give it 10 out of 10 stars. We used all the typical fixin's, minus the cheese. However, I ate the leftover patties the following day on a pile of lettuce without a bun. Easy and low fat lunch. Hayden had a few bites but said, "I don't like that." I am willing to bet that I could get him to eat them when he is in a better mood. I had a headache all day and was crabby at him. His refusal to eat my food was most likely based on his intent to get revenge for my irritability towards him earlier in the day.
If you want the recipe, let me know. I will gladly pass it along.
Cutter has taken to calling New Food Friday, Freaky Friday. I like my title better. This past Friday was Cutter's choice and he picked Chickpea Patties. For Hayden's sake we are calling them Hummus Burgers (little man LOVES hummus!). Simple, delicious and oh so quick to make. I cannot believe that I have gone this far in life and not had a Hummus Burger yet. Makes me feel a little disgusted at all the money I have spent on processed veggie burgers throughout the years when I could have been having this culinary delight... homemade for one third the price!
It sounds like I am exaggerating. I am not. The recipe is essentially hummus, but after food processing, oatmeal is kneaded in and then the mixture is chilled, formed into patties and fried in a bit of EVOO. (If Rachel Ray would just give up meat, I would be set. I heart her work and passion for quick and easy food.) The texture of the patty is much like meat loaf, but the taste is distinctly veg. The frying in the oil gives the outside a crunch, which is difficult to achieve with a Boca Burger, short of burning it.
Cutter and I both give it 10 out of 10 stars. We used all the typical fixin's, minus the cheese. However, I ate the leftover patties the following day on a pile of lettuce without a bun. Easy and low fat lunch. Hayden had a few bites but said, "I don't like that." I am willing to bet that I could get him to eat them when he is in a better mood. I had a headache all day and was crabby at him. His refusal to eat my food was most likely based on his intent to get revenge for my irritability towards him earlier in the day.
If you want the recipe, let me know. I will gladly pass it along.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
compost blog post
Time has somehow escaped me. I feel like I haven't written in a long time. Blogging has become a part of my day that I look forward to. I find myself making mental notes throughout the day of things I should mention or talk about in this online forum. I guess you could say it is a good way to stay present focused and in the moment. I have become a commentator on my own life. This is a good thing right? Isn't it our ability to objectively observe our life that creates space for change?
On the subject of change I picked up an air-tight, stainless steel container for keeping my kitchen leftovers in for composting. The only thing keeping me from composting is the fifty yard walk to our future garden site which contains our compost pile. Every time I throw my leftover apple core in the garbage, I cringe. But laziness speaks and I usually listen. Well, laziness and I despise fruit flies in my house. (Flies in general, but the fruit variety especially). Hence the airtight container, I am hoping I can get by with only bringing out the compost a couple of times a week and at the same time keep the flies at bay.
We are GOING to do the garden this year. Cutter wanted to last spring, but I thought we had too much going on. So, with my recent vegan frame of mind I decided that now would be the spring to pitch in and reduce out carbon footprint. And hopefully enjoy some delicious and inexpensive homegrown goods at the same time.
Growing up my mom always worked hard at a garden. Her attempts were noble and I always appreciated the few veggies that survived the pumpkin invasion that inevitably overtook the garden by the end of the summer. I think she was trying to recreate some childhood memories. Her parents were especially good gardeners. By the time I came onto the scene here on earth and met my grandpa Earl, he was retired and his garden was his pride and joy. I can clearly remember fresh green beans, raspberry's, grapes and cucumbers. I have many good memories that surround the garden. (See my family did instill a love of more than just cookies!)
There is something nostalgic about having a garden. It is one of those 'time stands still' practices. Not many things of our ancestors have survived the technological age. Gardening has. It still takes good dirt, seeds, water and sun to make your garden grow. It really puts the convenience of our grocery stores into perspective. If I am too lazy to bring out my compost now, how would I have ever survived in a day where I needed to grow my own food for survival? Rhetorical question.
So this is the year the Honeycutt's will give it a shot. We'll see if we can make Grandpa Earl proud. Maybe he could be our garden's guardian angel. Someone has to keep the pumpkins under submission- and if I am anything like my mom, that someone will not be me. Step one of garden prep is done... I have the compost bucket and a commitment to making my garden bloom. Compost v.s Laziness, we will see who prevails.
For those of you gardening pro's out there, Facebook me your best gardening tips and advice for a newbie like myself!
On the subject of change I picked up an air-tight, stainless steel container for keeping my kitchen leftovers in for composting. The only thing keeping me from composting is the fifty yard walk to our future garden site which contains our compost pile. Every time I throw my leftover apple core in the garbage, I cringe. But laziness speaks and I usually listen. Well, laziness and I despise fruit flies in my house. (Flies in general, but the fruit variety especially). Hence the airtight container, I am hoping I can get by with only bringing out the compost a couple of times a week and at the same time keep the flies at bay.
We are GOING to do the garden this year. Cutter wanted to last spring, but I thought we had too much going on. So, with my recent vegan frame of mind I decided that now would be the spring to pitch in and reduce out carbon footprint. And hopefully enjoy some delicious and inexpensive homegrown goods at the same time.
Growing up my mom always worked hard at a garden. Her attempts were noble and I always appreciated the few veggies that survived the pumpkin invasion that inevitably overtook the garden by the end of the summer. I think she was trying to recreate some childhood memories. Her parents were especially good gardeners. By the time I came onto the scene here on earth and met my grandpa Earl, he was retired and his garden was his pride and joy. I can clearly remember fresh green beans, raspberry's, grapes and cucumbers. I have many good memories that surround the garden. (See my family did instill a love of more than just cookies!)
There is something nostalgic about having a garden. It is one of those 'time stands still' practices. Not many things of our ancestors have survived the technological age. Gardening has. It still takes good dirt, seeds, water and sun to make your garden grow. It really puts the convenience of our grocery stores into perspective. If I am too lazy to bring out my compost now, how would I have ever survived in a day where I needed to grow my own food for survival? Rhetorical question.
So this is the year the Honeycutt's will give it a shot. We'll see if we can make Grandpa Earl proud. Maybe he could be our garden's guardian angel. Someone has to keep the pumpkins under submission- and if I am anything like my mom, that someone will not be me. Step one of garden prep is done... I have the compost bucket and a commitment to making my garden bloom. Compost v.s Laziness, we will see who prevails.
For those of you gardening pro's out there, Facebook me your best gardening tips and advice for a newbie like myself!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
throw me a bone.
I had one of those days today. I will call it my second Monday of the week. The kind of day that suffocates you right from the moment you regain morning consciousness (after a crappy nights sleep anyhow). The said suffocation is then followed by a bad mood that stalks you into the bathroom, hangs on even after your cup of coffee and permeates the entire house like the stench of burnt microwave popcorn. Yup, that kind of day. You know what I am talking about.
Then, around 4 o'clock today it just got better. I said, "Come on God, I can't do this much more," sort of sarcastically and then... BAM. Things turned around. Imagine Moses just running into this crazy bush, burning fiercely in the desert. I felt like Moses must have felt. Okay, not that drastic but it did feel like a miracle. Angry about life one second and then peaceful the next. This I am not exaggerating. (with a word like 'exaggerating' I am super happy for spell checking. I should have left it unedited so you could have had a good laugh).
It makes me wonder how many of those miracles have happened in the course of my lifetime that I am completely unaware of. I am not talking about the obvious stuff like how many times I could have been hit by a bus, or stung by a poisonous insect, or infected with a deadly strain of bird flu? I am talking about the everyday blessings that I have been too busy to notice, too stressed to care, and too self-righteous to acknowledge.
If I can take the food I put into my mouth for granted, what else have I missed? Think about it. The miracle of food! I take it for granted that there will always be enough of it for me. It is though I feel entitled to eat what I want, when I want it. When in reality it is a blessing every day that I have cold Heinz Ketchup in my fridge and Cheerios on my shelf.
Like I said, if I can ignore the miracle that is food what else have I missed? If there was a rewind button on my life, I would press it and then watch it back in slow motion. None of this flashing before my eyes business. I want a second chance to see all that I missed and then write God a really big thank you note. There is nothing like a good ol' fashioned hand-written thank you note.
Since there is no rewind life button invented yet, probably by the time Hayden is in high school though, I will have to settle for the here and now. I bet if I looked real hard every day with my eyes wide open... just waiting for the next miracle to appear I would have a lot less stinky-burnt-popcorn-kind-of-second-Monday's. Just the premise of that thought is enticing and oh so exciting. If Oprah was reading this she would probably tell me she already had this "A-hah moment," like seven years ago. But I would tell Oprah that this is my blog and my "A-hah moment" so leave me alone. And now, as I eat this miracle we call "green apple" (well I am calling it my midnight snack) I say good night and thank you God, this is much better than a bone.
Then, around 4 o'clock today it just got better. I said, "Come on God, I can't do this much more," sort of sarcastically and then... BAM. Things turned around. Imagine Moses just running into this crazy bush, burning fiercely in the desert. I felt like Moses must have felt. Okay, not that drastic but it did feel like a miracle. Angry about life one second and then peaceful the next. This I am not exaggerating. (with a word like 'exaggerating' I am super happy for spell checking. I should have left it unedited so you could have had a good laugh).
It makes me wonder how many of those miracles have happened in the course of my lifetime that I am completely unaware of. I am not talking about the obvious stuff like how many times I could have been hit by a bus, or stung by a poisonous insect, or infected with a deadly strain of bird flu? I am talking about the everyday blessings that I have been too busy to notice, too stressed to care, and too self-righteous to acknowledge.
If I can take the food I put into my mouth for granted, what else have I missed? Think about it. The miracle of food! I take it for granted that there will always be enough of it for me. It is though I feel entitled to eat what I want, when I want it. When in reality it is a blessing every day that I have cold Heinz Ketchup in my fridge and Cheerios on my shelf.
Like I said, if I can ignore the miracle that is food what else have I missed? If there was a rewind button on my life, I would press it and then watch it back in slow motion. None of this flashing before my eyes business. I want a second chance to see all that I missed and then write God a really big thank you note. There is nothing like a good ol' fashioned hand-written thank you note.
Since there is no rewind life button invented yet, probably by the time Hayden is in high school though, I will have to settle for the here and now. I bet if I looked real hard every day with my eyes wide open... just waiting for the next miracle to appear I would have a lot less stinky-burnt-popcorn-kind-of-second-Monday's. Just the premise of that thought is enticing and oh so exciting. If Oprah was reading this she would probably tell me she already had this "A-hah moment," like seven years ago. But I would tell Oprah that this is my blog and my "A-hah moment" so leave me alone. And now, as I eat this miracle we call "green apple" (well I am calling it my midnight snack) I say good night and thank you God, this is much better than a bone.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
cookie, you are my american idol.
Tonight, to celebrate the premier of my favorite television phenomenon and self admitted guilty pleasure... American Idol, I am making vegan chocolate chip cookies and popcorn, sans butter. Which is okay, since I have this amazing, super spicy Creole seasoning that is wicked hot and stands alone just fine without the meltey (delicious tasting), heart clogging substance we know as butter. I have been staving off recent cravings for sugar with some carob chips, but well it's carob. So, tonight, to reward my hard efforts of the past 12 days I am going agree with Simon, miss Paula, get annoyed by incessant ill-timed commercial breaks, and eat what is hopefully, delicious chocolate chip cookies and homemade popcorn.
Funny, how I use the word "reward." I was raised in a family/culture that praised good work with sugar, fat and homemade goodies. My grandma, mom and now myself show love for others by baking treats. My fondest memories of my grandma are centered around her cookie jar. She made the most tempting raisin cookies that to this date I have been unable to recreate.
Embarrassing Confession Time. Once the cookie jar ran dry, I would sneak down to Grandma's very scary basement (no icky spider webs or supposed ghosts were going to keep me away), and sneak/steal as many frozen cookies my chubby hands could carry. There is no way of telling how many cookies I would consume in one Sunday afternoon at Grandma's house. I can tell you this though, if good food=love, I definitely left feeling very loved (and gassy). 7 years after my grandma's death, my family still talks about how much I stank up the big blue van on the way home from Grandma's. Let's just say that massive amounts of butter (as found in the raisin cookies in question) and my boohiney are NOT a pleasant combination. With that off my chest I feel like a new woman. Thanks blog.
Moving on. My parents used food as a motivator. I was bribed with a Dairy Queen blizzard for ending my fingernail biting addiction. My brother received a Lolapaluza, the worlds largest ice cream sunday for giving up thumb sucking. And Mom's warm cookies were consistently a welcome home present from school. I bake sweets for my husband, I bake sweets for my neighbors, I bake when I am bored, when I am in need of comfort, when I need to say "thanks," and I bake when I have the ingredients in the house. This isn't a bad thing, but when I bake, I eat. Like all sugary things, once I start, stopping is difficult. Remember my all or nothing personality? Well, that includes cookies, cupcakes, friendship bread (the demon I attribute 74.3% of my last pregnancy weight gain), homemade granola... you name it I binge it.
I am opposed to sticking the label "addiction" on everything and its mom, but I can say with great certainty that I am a sugar addict. I would venture to say that most of America is, with how foods are processed, but we are talking about me here. So, back to me. Here's the justification for the diagnosis: I start and I have difficulty starting. I use sugar to change my mood. I feel guilt when I over-indulge. I feel the need to get others to be as addicted as I am, as to avoid feeling different from other "healthy" people (think peer pressure to eat a second piece of blueberry buckle). And I have hidden my sugar binges from loved ones, ashamed of my behavior. Wow, this is a hugely vulnerable topic for me.
It is my goal, that through my Vegan experiment I will learn to find more balance in the way I approach sugar. I have a belief that my addiction to sugar, like any other addiction is directly linked to several areas of my life. But one of those areas, most central is my diet. When I am consistently eating nurturing and balanced whole foods, sugar becomes less of an issue. It is easier to walk away from and not a constant thought in my head, as in, "man, I really could go for some ice cream with carmel and peanuts." With this vegan thing I am already noticing that my food choices are becoming more diverse and wholesome. Plus my focus is not on what I am putting in my mouth, but how what I am putting in my mouth affects me, my relationships and the world around me. I had this same experience when I first became a vegetarian, but somehow over the years that focus grew dim.
I don't want to completely eliminate sugar from my life, I just want to find a way to enjoy it without it controlling me. I envy those people who buy a package of Oreo's only to eat one, shelf it and forget it is there. Balance, that is what I am seeking.
Tonight, in my attempt to reach balance, I am going to revel in and enjoy the experience of making cookies without eggs and butter and then, without guilt enjoy my "guilty" pleasures, Idol and cookies. Is there really anything better than that? Let's see if I can stop after just two cookies. Hey blog, wish me luck!
Funny, how I use the word "reward." I was raised in a family/culture that praised good work with sugar, fat and homemade goodies. My grandma, mom and now myself show love for others by baking treats. My fondest memories of my grandma are centered around her cookie jar. She made the most tempting raisin cookies that to this date I have been unable to recreate.
Embarrassing Confession Time. Once the cookie jar ran dry, I would sneak down to Grandma's very scary basement (no icky spider webs or supposed ghosts were going to keep me away), and sneak/steal as many frozen cookies my chubby hands could carry. There is no way of telling how many cookies I would consume in one Sunday afternoon at Grandma's house. I can tell you this though, if good food=love, I definitely left feeling very loved (and gassy). 7 years after my grandma's death, my family still talks about how much I stank up the big blue van on the way home from Grandma's. Let's just say that massive amounts of butter (as found in the raisin cookies in question) and my boohiney are NOT a pleasant combination. With that off my chest I feel like a new woman. Thanks blog.
Moving on. My parents used food as a motivator. I was bribed with a Dairy Queen blizzard for ending my fingernail biting addiction. My brother received a Lolapaluza, the worlds largest ice cream sunday for giving up thumb sucking. And Mom's warm cookies were consistently a welcome home present from school. I bake sweets for my husband, I bake sweets for my neighbors, I bake when I am bored, when I am in need of comfort, when I need to say "thanks," and I bake when I have the ingredients in the house. This isn't a bad thing, but when I bake, I eat. Like all sugary things, once I start, stopping is difficult. Remember my all or nothing personality? Well, that includes cookies, cupcakes, friendship bread (the demon I attribute 74.3% of my last pregnancy weight gain), homemade granola... you name it I binge it.
I am opposed to sticking the label "addiction" on everything and its mom, but I can say with great certainty that I am a sugar addict. I would venture to say that most of America is, with how foods are processed, but we are talking about me here. So, back to me. Here's the justification for the diagnosis: I start and I have difficulty starting. I use sugar to change my mood. I feel guilt when I over-indulge. I feel the need to get others to be as addicted as I am, as to avoid feeling different from other "healthy" people (think peer pressure to eat a second piece of blueberry buckle). And I have hidden my sugar binges from loved ones, ashamed of my behavior. Wow, this is a hugely vulnerable topic for me.
It is my goal, that through my Vegan experiment I will learn to find more balance in the way I approach sugar. I have a belief that my addiction to sugar, like any other addiction is directly linked to several areas of my life. But one of those areas, most central is my diet. When I am consistently eating nurturing and balanced whole foods, sugar becomes less of an issue. It is easier to walk away from and not a constant thought in my head, as in, "man, I really could go for some ice cream with carmel and peanuts." With this vegan thing I am already noticing that my food choices are becoming more diverse and wholesome. Plus my focus is not on what I am putting in my mouth, but how what I am putting in my mouth affects me, my relationships and the world around me. I had this same experience when I first became a vegetarian, but somehow over the years that focus grew dim.
I don't want to completely eliminate sugar from my life, I just want to find a way to enjoy it without it controlling me. I envy those people who buy a package of Oreo's only to eat one, shelf it and forget it is there. Balance, that is what I am seeking.
Tonight, in my attempt to reach balance, I am going to revel in and enjoy the experience of making cookies without eggs and butter and then, without guilt enjoy my "guilty" pleasures, Idol and cookies. Is there really anything better than that? Let's see if I can stop after just two cookies. Hey blog, wish me luck!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Tempeh
It's Friday! And you know what that means... actually, you don't know what that means since I just invented it. It is New Food Friday, the day that I plan to introduce a new food or vegan recipe to my kitchen table. Today the food of choice was Tempeh. It is virtually a staple in most of the vegan cookbooks I have perused, so I decided it was a good place to start.
Cooking is not one of my favorite things. I am by no means a foodie or chef. I do love to bake, but that is simply because you always know what to expect when you combine sugar and flour with butter. Baking is happiness. Cooking is stressful, to say the least. I am one who will fall in love with the beautiful pictures in a cookbook, buy it out of lust and shelf it two weeks later. I stick to my basic recipes and that has worked just fine for me.
So, when my four new vegan cookbooks (I impulsively bought on Amazon) arrived I was like a lovestruck school girl, giddy with excitement. And then I read the recipes. I wanted to lay down and cry. So many new ingredients, it was like reading a novel in Japanese. This is quite sad when you remember that I have been a vegetarian for 7 years now. All I could think about was the horrible shopping trip it would take to make all those recipes.
You see, I am an all or nothing sorta girl. The idea of slowing building a kitchen pantry that could hold the necessary ingredients for most of those recipes is pure craziness to me. If I can't have it all at once, then why bother. Insanity, I know. I wanted to throw the books out the back door.
However, being the all or nothing gal that I am, I have a problem. I have committed to this vegan thing and that is going to mean learning some new recipes. (Because there is NO way I am going a full year without chocolate cookies. So somewhere along the line I am going to have to figure out a way to make 'em and I just spent 40 bucks on new cookbooks.) So, I invented in my head New Food Friday.
I picked up Tempeh on Tuesday, found a recipe from the Vegan Table by Colleen Goudreau that required only one other additional purchase (Vegenaise... eggless Mayo), and used nap time today to make some killer 'Curried Better- Than- Chicken Salad' sandwiches.
Mayo without eggs is not as bad as it sounds, in fact if I hadn't told my husband, he wouldn't have know. It was also surprisingly affordable, not something I was expecting. Tempeh, also affordable ($2 for 8 ounces at Whole Foods), is incredibly easy to work with. I know why it is such a staple ingredient. In just 10 words: little effort required, meat like texture and virtually no identifiable taste.
My husband gave it a 5 on a scale from 1-10. That is only because he doesn't like curry. Apparently a bad experience with Curried Baby Back Ribs in Iraq ruined it for him. Too bad because I heart curry. I was excited about the recipe, sweet with a tangy kick. Definitely something my mom will enjoy when she visits, minus the cayenne powder. This is also the type of recipe that I already have memorized. It was a good place for my overwhelmed brain to start. Good confidence booster you might say. Hayden had a big bite and said "I don't like that." I didn't expect him to, which is why he ate soy yogurt, carrots and hummus. (Little man LOVES hummus- eats it with a spoon.)
First New Food Friday was a success. And who knows, maybe with practice I could become a slow and steady wins the race kind of girl. In time.
Cheers to Friday!
Cooking is not one of my favorite things. I am by no means a foodie or chef. I do love to bake, but that is simply because you always know what to expect when you combine sugar and flour with butter. Baking is happiness. Cooking is stressful, to say the least. I am one who will fall in love with the beautiful pictures in a cookbook, buy it out of lust and shelf it two weeks later. I stick to my basic recipes and that has worked just fine for me.
So, when my four new vegan cookbooks (I impulsively bought on Amazon) arrived I was like a lovestruck school girl, giddy with excitement. And then I read the recipes. I wanted to lay down and cry. So many new ingredients, it was like reading a novel in Japanese. This is quite sad when you remember that I have been a vegetarian for 7 years now. All I could think about was the horrible shopping trip it would take to make all those recipes.
You see, I am an all or nothing sorta girl. The idea of slowing building a kitchen pantry that could hold the necessary ingredients for most of those recipes is pure craziness to me. If I can't have it all at once, then why bother. Insanity, I know. I wanted to throw the books out the back door.
However, being the all or nothing gal that I am, I have a problem. I have committed to this vegan thing and that is going to mean learning some new recipes. (Because there is NO way I am going a full year without chocolate cookies. So somewhere along the line I am going to have to figure out a way to make 'em and I just spent 40 bucks on new cookbooks.) So, I invented in my head New Food Friday.
I picked up Tempeh on Tuesday, found a recipe from the Vegan Table by Colleen Goudreau that required only one other additional purchase (Vegenaise... eggless Mayo), and used nap time today to make some killer 'Curried Better- Than- Chicken Salad' sandwiches.
Mayo without eggs is not as bad as it sounds, in fact if I hadn't told my husband, he wouldn't have know. It was also surprisingly affordable, not something I was expecting. Tempeh, also affordable ($2 for 8 ounces at Whole Foods), is incredibly easy to work with. I know why it is such a staple ingredient. In just 10 words: little effort required, meat like texture and virtually no identifiable taste.
My husband gave it a 5 on a scale from 1-10. That is only because he doesn't like curry. Apparently a bad experience with Curried Baby Back Ribs in Iraq ruined it for him. Too bad because I heart curry. I was excited about the recipe, sweet with a tangy kick. Definitely something my mom will enjoy when she visits, minus the cayenne powder. This is also the type of recipe that I already have memorized. It was a good place for my overwhelmed brain to start. Good confidence booster you might say. Hayden had a big bite and said "I don't like that." I didn't expect him to, which is why he ate soy yogurt, carrots and hummus. (Little man LOVES hummus- eats it with a spoon.)
First New Food Friday was a success. And who knows, maybe with practice I could become a slow and steady wins the race kind of girl. In time.
Cheers to Friday!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Torn.
As the primary shopper in my house, I have a responsibility to put together a shopping list every couple of weeks that reflects the culinary preferences of my family and the food that is in their best interest to eat. Meaning, I cannot in good conscience let Hayden eat fruit snacks for every meal, because he would, if I let him. Every first and fifteenth of the month I hit the grocery stores to fill our fridge and pantry. I have subconsciously created a routine that involves rotating the same 10 meals over the course of a month. This makes for quick and easy shopping, a must when you tote along a toddler and infant. Nonetheless, not much thought or planning goes into my trips to the store, which if I am honest, I love. Grocery shopping lists, in my opinion, are for the birds.
Today, driving to the store, with the toddler and the infant, and without any list to speak of, I was making a mental sweep of what my kitchen was most in need of. Chicken and beef topped the list. Cutter had mentioned before vacation that the freezer was void of both. All of a sudden my mind was flooded with the faces of chickens and cows crammed into the factory farms that are their death. I couldn't shake the image. With all the reading I have done in the past week I have been reminded of why I became a vegetarian years ago. The reality that animals needlessly suffer so that I can eat them is just not okay with me. It's a personal decision, one I won't impose on my husband, but can I continue to buy products that go against what I personally believe?
I called my dad. Not sure why, he is a die hard carnivore. In fact, his chicken pot pie includes only that, chicken- and maybe some potatoes. I told him I had just been met head on with a moral dilemma, I think I was hoping for a meat buying pep-talk. He laughed, "funny thing" he said- "I couldn't get your veggie book out of my head last night as I ate your mom's steak." (I conveniently had left my "veggie books' out on the kitchen table while I was home over Christmas- Dad purused them.) So much for dad giving me a good reason to just buy the meat and avoid the conversation with my husband where I tell him he is going to have to hit the grocery store himself from now on.
It is funny how we can compartmentalize our knowledge. If something we learn about doesn't sit well with us, we can neatly package it up and shelf it in the "don't really need to know it" compartment of our brain. I am reminded of the image of repeatedly raped women in Darfur. One of those things I am aware of, but chose to put inside that handy, imaginary box. Knowledge is only useful if we choose to ac'knowledge' what we believe to be the truth.
Case in point is my dad. He has read the same information that I have, he believes it to be true and if he were to honestly answer, he doesn't agree with the maltreatment and needless suffering of any of God's creatures. I believe that most people would agree with this. So when confronted with such knowledge as the condition of factory farms, most people would say, "that's just not right." But that is the extent of it. It is one of those things we can easily box up and store in our heads.
I do not say this to make my dad look or feel bad, I say it to remind myself of my own tendency to do the same. I am notorious for picking and choosing what I do and do not acknowledge. Denial is a wonderful comfy place to dwell, I speak from experience. I have shelves upon selves of stored information that is really too inconvenient to do anything about. I am hoping that this challenge helps me unpack some of my stored information and refile it into an active part of my brain. I want knowledge to inspire, not shame me.
Today, as I filled my cart with fresh veggies, greens and almond milk I did feel powerful and inspired. As though I was allowing my beliefs to motivate my choices instead of hiding from the truth. Congruency between ones head, heart and stomach is pure bliss. Even better than the Hershey Kisses taunting me in my freezer! Oh, and Cutter (the husband) is okay with meat shopping responsibilities. Moral dilemma solved.
Today, driving to the store, with the toddler and the infant, and without any list to speak of, I was making a mental sweep of what my kitchen was most in need of. Chicken and beef topped the list. Cutter had mentioned before vacation that the freezer was void of both. All of a sudden my mind was flooded with the faces of chickens and cows crammed into the factory farms that are their death. I couldn't shake the image. With all the reading I have done in the past week I have been reminded of why I became a vegetarian years ago. The reality that animals needlessly suffer so that I can eat them is just not okay with me. It's a personal decision, one I won't impose on my husband, but can I continue to buy products that go against what I personally believe?
I called my dad. Not sure why, he is a die hard carnivore. In fact, his chicken pot pie includes only that, chicken- and maybe some potatoes. I told him I had just been met head on with a moral dilemma, I think I was hoping for a meat buying pep-talk. He laughed, "funny thing" he said- "I couldn't get your veggie book out of my head last night as I ate your mom's steak." (I conveniently had left my "veggie books' out on the kitchen table while I was home over Christmas- Dad purused them.) So much for dad giving me a good reason to just buy the meat and avoid the conversation with my husband where I tell him he is going to have to hit the grocery store himself from now on.
It is funny how we can compartmentalize our knowledge. If something we learn about doesn't sit well with us, we can neatly package it up and shelf it in the "don't really need to know it" compartment of our brain. I am reminded of the image of repeatedly raped women in Darfur. One of those things I am aware of, but chose to put inside that handy, imaginary box. Knowledge is only useful if we choose to ac'knowledge' what we believe to be the truth.
Case in point is my dad. He has read the same information that I have, he believes it to be true and if he were to honestly answer, he doesn't agree with the maltreatment and needless suffering of any of God's creatures. I believe that most people would agree with this. So when confronted with such knowledge as the condition of factory farms, most people would say, "that's just not right." But that is the extent of it. It is one of those things we can easily box up and store in our heads.
I do not say this to make my dad look or feel bad, I say it to remind myself of my own tendency to do the same. I am notorious for picking and choosing what I do and do not acknowledge. Denial is a wonderful comfy place to dwell, I speak from experience. I have shelves upon selves of stored information that is really too inconvenient to do anything about. I am hoping that this challenge helps me unpack some of my stored information and refile it into an active part of my brain. I want knowledge to inspire, not shame me.
Today, as I filled my cart with fresh veggies, greens and almond milk I did feel powerful and inspired. As though I was allowing my beliefs to motivate my choices instead of hiding from the truth. Congruency between ones head, heart and stomach is pure bliss. Even better than the Hershey Kisses taunting me in my freezer! Oh, and Cutter (the husband) is okay with meat shopping responsibilities. Moral dilemma solved.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Harder than I planned.
I envisioned nightly blogging sessions where I would sit back and gloriously write about anything and everything Vegan related. HA. I think I may have to settle for twice per week updates. I'm not disappointed or surprised.
Day four of vegan living has produced one noticeable change, my baby no longer seems to need his reflux medication. On just the second day of my challenge, his spitting up subsided drastically. I didn't give him meds yesterday or today and he seems just fine. I am wondering if his spitting up was more a product of my dairy consumption than anything else. I will keep an eye on it and see.
My boys, husband, dogs and I are back in Colorado, following a two week trip to Minnesota to see family. It was a wonderful time. As with most family events the center of attention was... FOOD. Being from a non-vegetarian family and extremely meat-eating clan of relatives I am used to feeling left out of the family food fun. Usually I am torn, when the smell of turkey fills the room and the delicious ham is the talk of the table. Part of me feels relieved that I no longer eat the meat, but the other part feels like a traitor. Like I am abandoning long-standing family traditions, abandoning the bonding that happens over a well-cooked steak. I can appreciate the joke. That I am the crazy, veggie eating sister, but sometimes crazy is a lonely place to be at the dinner table. It's never been that big of a deal though- mostly just an inconvenience.
In the several years that I have been a vegetarian, I did have one thing in common with my family- DESSERT! Even if we didn't have the same main dish, we always shared the best part. Dessert is a big deal in my family. We have it after every dinner and without it, dinner doesn't seem complete. In fact, my mom and I are notorious for eating dessert for breakfast. We set aside a couple of homemade chocolate chip cookies for the morning. Nothing like cookies and coffee to get you going in the morning (and produce a huge sugar crash right before lunch).
The first three days of my Vegan Challenge I was back home with my family. I passed on Christmas cookies at the New Years party, waffle cookies that my mom made "just because" and the traditional Turtle Latte I usually drink with Mom because turtle lattes are just no good with soy. I think I "passed" because I am feeling a little energized by the newness of this thing- I honestly cannot say that had I been three months in I would have had the self-control to say "no thanks."
I am excited to be back home and in control of what I buy and cook, away from the peer pressure that is my family. Thankfully I have a husband who is a good sport about my food choices. Although I have been rather inconsistent in the past regarding what I eat and don't eat... example: the hundreds of sugar free diets I have started and stopped. He has grown accustomed to my craziness and to be honest I don't think it has ever bothered him. Except maybe the time that I refused to buy or serve pork for about six months. He pretended that he didn't care, but I am certain he loved me most the night I caved and he came home to pork chops in the oven. Having a circle of support that doesn't think you are entirely too ridiculous is an important thing anything you make a change. I am blessed to have my husband.
I am excited and nervous to see how a vegan diet will change my grocery list, recipes and dessert options. Just as I am excited to see how this new way of living changes my relationships with family, friends and me. Grocery shopping commences tomorrow. Yay.
Day four of vegan living has produced one noticeable change, my baby no longer seems to need his reflux medication. On just the second day of my challenge, his spitting up subsided drastically. I didn't give him meds yesterday or today and he seems just fine. I am wondering if his spitting up was more a product of my dairy consumption than anything else. I will keep an eye on it and see.
My boys, husband, dogs and I are back in Colorado, following a two week trip to Minnesota to see family. It was a wonderful time. As with most family events the center of attention was... FOOD. Being from a non-vegetarian family and extremely meat-eating clan of relatives I am used to feeling left out of the family food fun. Usually I am torn, when the smell of turkey fills the room and the delicious ham is the talk of the table. Part of me feels relieved that I no longer eat the meat, but the other part feels like a traitor. Like I am abandoning long-standing family traditions, abandoning the bonding that happens over a well-cooked steak. I can appreciate the joke. That I am the crazy, veggie eating sister, but sometimes crazy is a lonely place to be at the dinner table. It's never been that big of a deal though- mostly just an inconvenience.
In the several years that I have been a vegetarian, I did have one thing in common with my family- DESSERT! Even if we didn't have the same main dish, we always shared the best part. Dessert is a big deal in my family. We have it after every dinner and without it, dinner doesn't seem complete. In fact, my mom and I are notorious for eating dessert for breakfast. We set aside a couple of homemade chocolate chip cookies for the morning. Nothing like cookies and coffee to get you going in the morning (and produce a huge sugar crash right before lunch).
The first three days of my Vegan Challenge I was back home with my family. I passed on Christmas cookies at the New Years party, waffle cookies that my mom made "just because" and the traditional Turtle Latte I usually drink with Mom because turtle lattes are just no good with soy. I think I "passed" because I am feeling a little energized by the newness of this thing- I honestly cannot say that had I been three months in I would have had the self-control to say "no thanks."
I am excited to be back home and in control of what I buy and cook, away from the peer pressure that is my family. Thankfully I have a husband who is a good sport about my food choices. Although I have been rather inconsistent in the past regarding what I eat and don't eat... example: the hundreds of sugar free diets I have started and stopped. He has grown accustomed to my craziness and to be honest I don't think it has ever bothered him. Except maybe the time that I refused to buy or serve pork for about six months. He pretended that he didn't care, but I am certain he loved me most the night I caved and he came home to pork chops in the oven. Having a circle of support that doesn't think you are entirely too ridiculous is an important thing anything you make a change. I am blessed to have my husband.
I am excited and nervous to see how a vegan diet will change my grocery list, recipes and dessert options. Just as I am excited to see how this new way of living changes my relationships with family, friends and me. Grocery shopping commences tomorrow. Yay.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
365
Vegan for a year...
I have been secretly planning this challenge for nearly two months now. Still unsure why exactly I waited until this moment in time to commit to this life style, at least for a year. Of course health reasons are always good, especially since I am still carrying around an extra thirty pounds three months after Hudson, my second son was born. But it is not the health aspect that is primarily driving this thing. If I am to be honest, I think it is really about my identity. For the past seven years I identified myself as Vegetarian among other things. With the birth of my second son all of a sudden I feel my old identities slipping away. The old titles that used to define me no longer apply. "Party Girl" and "Up for Anything Ang" fit like a pair of my pre-preggo going out jeans- they just don't. "Mommy" and "Wife" and "Toilet Cleaner" are great and noble titles but sometimes they feel rather stiff and unforgiving, sometimes just downright ugly. Even the title Vegeterian seems tattered and torn. I still don't eat meat, but I buy it, cook it and serve it to my husband and son. I vowed that Hayden, my first born would never eat pork, at the least... and with every peice of peperoni and sausage pizza he consumes I feel a little less like a Vegeterian.
It is not that I don't love my sons, my husband and my responsibilities but some days I just feel lost in my own life. Like I am a stranger looking into my own kitchen window, watching myself wash dishes. It often seems as though the past three years of my life just happened to me with no regard with who I was or who I planned on being. Out of my control... a strange feeling for someone who believes we have a high internal locus of control. In an attempt to regain a sense of control over my life and my identity I am choosing a new label for myself for the next 365 days.
Vegan.
This is my journey, my self-imposed challenge, my blind quest to find Me again.
I want to know if the food I put in my mouth really defines who I am at the most basic level. For a mom feeling left out of her own life, I think this might be a good place to start.
Cheers to the new year, whole grains and new beginnings!
-Vegan Mommy (for a year)
Countdown: 364 Days
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